Christmas Magic (an Update)

For some reason, Christmas night hits my boys hard.  I don't know there they get it from?  <insert sarcastic shrug>

You may remember that Christmas night, exactly one year ago, I wrote a very dramatic, heartfelt post about Warren learning about the magic of Christmas.  A couple of nights ago, I wrote about the "different" feel of Christmas this year.  Today, I write as an update on both.

Christmas night, with overly full bellies and a wrecked house, we winded down for the night.  As I went in to kiss Harper goodnight, he turned away from me and began to cry.  When I asked him what was wrong, he said "I don't know, mom.  It just doesn't feel like Christmas."  Chris came in to tell him goodnight, saw what was going on and gave me "the look".  The look of "Is this it?  Is it time?"  He mouthed to me "Do you want me to stay?"  I confidently nodded my head no....for I had done this before.....I had it in the bag!  He kissed Harper goodnight, turned off the light and left us to talk.

I told Harper about how Christmas felt different to me too, this year.  In fact, I told him that Christmas Eve, as they were asleep and Chris went to take his shower, I sat and cried by the tree, because it felt so different and I wasn't sure why.  But that was ok.  I told him that it kind of made me sad that neither of them wrote a letter to Santa this year....and with that, he said through his tears, "Mom, that's because he's not real.  I know he's not real.  Why would you and Dad lie to us all these years?"  And with that, I realized that this was going to be a much different conversation than it was with Warren, last year. 

I showed Harper the same letter I showed Warren last year.  And, after reading it, he asked me again, "But how could you lie to us?  You told us there was a fat man in a red suit, who came down our chimney every year and left us presents.  You told us about the elves who came down to watch and then flew back up to Santa every night to let him know if we were being good.  You told us about the reindeer that ate the reindeer food we left on the grass every year.  How could you lie about all of that?"  UGH!  

<insert stomach punch>

I sucked up my tears and realized I needed to "buck up" and look this conversation dead on.  I told him how when kids are little, they get rewarded with a sticker or a piece of candy when they do something good.....but as we grow up, we don't get those same kinds of rewards, because teens and adults don't need them anymore.  Just the same, when kids are little, they need to see something in order to believe in it.  But as we grow older, teens and adults don't have the same need to see something to believe in it.  Thus became the legend of Santa Claus hundreds and hundreds of years ago.  Santa is about bringing goodness, kindness and joy.  And, as adults and teenagers, we can believe in those things even without seeing the big man in the red suit.  Just the same is our belief in God.  We can believe in Jesus Christ and God, even without seeing them.  

Though I'm still not convinced he is "ok" with the lie, I do (at least) think he understands the why.  And to my surprise, when I asked him when he figured it out, he told me last school year.  My jaw dropped.  "What?  You've known all this time?  How did you figure it out?"  He replied, "My teacher told our class second semester."  How unfortunate for those students.  While I realize both of my boys learned the truth about Santa a bit late in life, as an educator myself, I don't believe it is ever my job to share that with my students.  That's a family decision.  I'm disappointed in the teacher, but grateful for the conversation that came because of it.  

I told Harper about Warren's experience last year....how we went and played video games for hours to take our minds off of the sadness that comes with finding out the truth.  So, we decided, rather than video games, we'd go pull an all nighter and binge watch Wednesday, a show we started together a couple days earlier.  We grabbed a couple of cookies (because chocolate always helps) and snuggled in! 

So, yes, our Christmas was different this year.  And we're learning that that's ok.  That's part of growing up...for all of us.  Chris and I are learning how to grow up in this process too.  And now, rather than the Santa magic (and let's be real.....the stress), we have a lot of new Christmas magic to look forward to next year, together.  And for that, I'm grateful!  

At Least We Still Have Karen

A good friend, while fighting her own battles, recently told me, "Traditions don't have to happen every year."  Although they were words told to her, they were words I needed to hear as well.  

This has been a year of change for us.  The boys are at an age where things are just different.  Trace Adkins has a song called "You're Gonna Miss This."  Chris and I joke around about that song and sing it regularly to one another when the boys frustrate or annoy us.  For we know that one day, in the not too far off future, we'll wish for those frustrating, annoying things. 

So this year, I've spent time reflecting on what traditions are coming to an end and what traditions might just be paused this year.       

You may remember that last year, Warren learned the Santa story.  (As our youth director so matter-of-factly put it, "You had the sex talk before you had the Santa talk?"  I had never thought of it that way, but yes, yes, I guess we did.)  And, although we haven't talked about it and it hasn't been anything dramatic (like Warren), we're pretty sure Harper knows, as this year has been very different.  Not necessarily bad-different.  Just different.  This is the first year the boys haven't asked about our elf, Drake.  Not one single question about him.  He did come, but he's sat in the same place all month.  (Which, if I'm honest, has been really nice!)  This is the first year the boys didn't write a letter to Santa.  This is the first year we haven't had an Advent Calendar.  So many traditions that didn't happen this year....and ones we'll probably have to let go of now.   

But, in the midst of letting go of great traditions, we've been able to hold on to others.  We have listened to so much great Christmas music...music that fills our house every year (sometimes starting as early as November).  From Amy Grant to Mariah Carey, Pentatonix to Karen Carpenter.  In our home, like many, Karen Carpenter signals the Christmas season.  The Carpenters Christmas album is one we have on repeat, as it reminds us of our own childhoods.  Chris and I both have such great memories listening to the Carpenters Christmas!  

We rung the bell for the Salvation Army.  I once heard our Missions Director say that "Mission work isn't supposed to be convenient."  I think about his words as we drag the boys every year.  That's a tradition the boys would probably like to let go of.  But I'm going to hang on and inconvenience them for as long as I can.  

We had our annual baking day.  Mom and I baked all the things while Harriet and the boys made gingerbread houses.  Then, we got back together that evening for dinner and Christmas lights.....and invited Emily, our youth director.  Although the lights were kinda blah, it was a great evening of tradition.  

And, on a different note, and at the risk of starting a new tradition....or maybe just passing the baton.....this was the first year Warren was able to drive by himself.  He took and passed his road test just before our baking day, which meant he was able to drive and grab everyone's lunch.  (Traditionally, a role my grandfather filled.....before Chris took over.)  Although mom and I followed closely behind and he did great.....the nerves were still very real!  When we got back home, Harriet asked, "Warren, how did it go?  Were you nervous?' to which Warren replied, "Well, ya know, I had Karen Carpenter playing, so I knew I was ok."  

Isn't it funny how comforting traditions are?  Just as our traditional Christmas music comforted Warren, it provides me the same comfort in the midst of this "tradition chaos."  I guess that's what traditions do....they provide us comfort (albeit a bit of stress, too).  So, although we've let go of some of our traditions...at least we still have Karen.  

5:1

Several years ago, I heard about a really great theory that suggests that kids benefit from having 5 adults invest in them.  This 5:1 ratio says "...the main idea is that kids greatly benefit from having five adults other than their parents invested in their lives. Five adults that know their story, understand their hearts, act as cheerleaders, and can be confidants. Kids who have that are more likely to feel a sense of belonging and adhere to the positive values parents want to instill. Turns out the research suggests, kids that have adults investing in them are more likely to keep their faith in late-adolescence and early adulthood."   

When I heard that, I thought....ok, get yourself a community! 

Our boys are very busy.  They're involved in a lot of things.  From Musical Theater....to Cotillion.....to Art Centric and Connect Youth Group.....to Young Life and WyldLife.  We are always running in a million directions and literally taking it day by day.  And, when they first got to "this age", I initially involved them in so many things to a) keep them out of trouble and b) offer them different experiences.  But, after Harper's recent bullying experience....I was reminded of the 5:1 theory and realize that the bigger reason to involve your kids in a lot of different things is for community. 

As soon as Harp's community found out what happened to him, they poured into him.  Three of his close teachers, who we love, reached out immediately.  His youth directors offered to come over and hang out with him...and even checked in two days later.  His WyldLife leaders reached out.  Then his Art Centric family invited him to the "All Staff" Bob Ross Birthday Party!  Only 2 volunteers were invited....and Harp was one of them.  Imagine how he felt!  Harp felt loved and valued, because Ms. Becky, Ms. Zariah, Emily, Megan, Sydney, Romeo, Mr. Jones, Mrs. LaVelle, Mrs. Butler and everyone else in his community poured into him!  So, while the theory might suggest 5:1....our theory suggests "the more, the merrier"!